Back after a mind-numbingly long haitus, it's Mr. Bootleg!
Ask Mr. Bootleg anything you want! Collecting tips, driving advice, you name it, and Mr. Bootleg will come up with some sort of inane answer. Just you watch! (Newest questions at the top of the pile)
(Yes, the jokes here are old and outdated. But there's a reason I brought this feature back from the dead. It's called foreshadowing, gang.)
3/27/00
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
Lunch is ready! Do you want milk or juice?
Signed,
Looney Lucie
A: I, myself, prefer "Jolt Cola".
3/27/00
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
My teenage daughter has a crush on you and Kevin Costner. Will you go out with her or hook her and Kevin Costner up? If
you give him back his keys he may concent if you don't tell him my daughter's nose is a foot long.
Signed,
Looney Lucy
A: Send in a photo of your daughter and we'll talk. I'm not giving Kevin his keys back.
3/27/00
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
Okay, I tried cleaning it, but now it smells like a dead skunk who had too many beans. Thankgoodness it doesn't smell like
You-Know-Who's You-Know-What from
You-Know-Where. HELP!
Wait...OH NO!
Signed,
Looney Lucy
A: The answer, of course, is blowin' in the wind.
3/27/00
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
I am a professional contortionist by trade and I seem to have a
bit of a problem. You see, one night I decided to eat moth balls and
wash it down with a fifth of tequila. After that I began to slap my self
retarded and flop around like a stupid trout. Anyhow, during all this
flippi'n and floppi'n I accidentally got my head stuck up my ass!!! It's
really painful and I'm ashamed... Actually I don't even know if I'm
typing this e-mail right. I can't see a damn thing!!! What do I do?!
Signed,
Guiness Harishi
A: Nothing. You are now as qualified as my next correspondant to have a syndicated cartoon.
3/27/00
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
Why aren't my comic strips funny?
Signed,
Bil Keane
A: I wish I knew. The bigger quesion, however, is how come newspapers still publish it????
3/27/00
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
What happened to your nose, dude?
Signed,
Probiscario
A: I'm not sure I understand this question. My nose is just fine. It's just pressed up against the camera lens for the photo.
3/27/00
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
do you LOVE me???
Signed,
Tonya
A: Yes.
3/27/00
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
I was upset that my bootleg Beast Wars Megatron T-rex had no opposable arm joints, so I made him some out of K'nex pieces.
It worked fine, except that now my bootleg Optimus Primal ape is telling me that by doing this,I have created the next
destroyer of the universe. Should I be afraid, be _very_ afraid?
Just wondering
Signed,
curious
A: I wouldn't worry - Optimus is just jealous of Megatron's K'nex upgrade. Buy him some legos and rest easy.
3/27/00
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
I have a Tapestry Picard that I think is a bootleg. He is 2.5" tall,
molded of hard rubber, and painted flourescent pink. He has a big axe
as an accessory. He is duct taped to a card that says: El Super
Destructo Hombre". My question is: Is this a bootleg or the real thing?
Signed,
Mr. Bootleg's illegitimate son
A: Oh, it's the real thing. I suggest you head to ebay now. Just be sure to include a photo with your auction.
2/15/00
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
Where the @#$@$ have you been???
Signed, Pissed off visitor
A: Don't blame me. Ask that "Chris" jerk why. He'll probably mutter something about the need for anti-depressants and go and read a book or something. Loser.
2/15/00
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
i Have a galaxy heroes figure that i got at a dollar store, it seems to be a
knock off of the he man figures, i think that i have seen his mold on cheapo
wrestling figures. On the back of his blister card there are non color
drawings of all the figures in the series with numbers. I would really like
to knwo more about this figure. I collect mego, kenner and toybiz superheroe
figures fom the 70's to 1991 and am starting a collection of bootlegs and
would like to know about my figure more on the collecting of bootlegs. Also,
does skizazo like cleabus or am i snap?
Signed, eggbert
A: I've seen the figures you're talking about - or maybe just a line exactly like them. There are a lot of He-Man-esque bootleg wrestling figures out there - mostly due to the fact it's hard to find a toy more muscled and "pumped up" than the old He-Man line.
As to Skizazo, well, I think we all already know the answer to that one, don't we?
2/15/00
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
i have a ton of peices of a puzzle, what should i do?
Signed, Olerud789
A: Eat them.
2/15/00
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
im a crazy old kevin costner fan and i don't know my name, can you help me
find me name?
Signed, ????
A: How many times do I have to go over this? It's behind the couch.
2/15/00
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
i went there, did i come back?
Signed, Lost
A: Another thought provoking question from my loyal readers. Allow me to answer your question with a zen riddle: What is the sound my hand makes as it slaps you upside your fool head?
11/4/99
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
I was wondering, where can I find an action figure of you? I mean, you are
sooooooooooo cool and I just think you would look great on my desk, next to my
homemade bootleg. So, are you gonna tell? Well, ARE YA?
Signed, A very big bootleg collector
A: There is only ONE Mr. Bootleg, so, NO. I ain't tellin'.
11/4/99
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
I have a Star Trek Insurrection Capt... Picard figure. He has a slight ass problem. We have recently been turning his waist around and legs
around. Now we can't tell which side his ass is on, and which side his genitalia is on. Can you help us Mr... Bootleg?!
Signed,Mr... Chrome-dome
A: You've discovered one of the most terrifying aspects of action figures - the dreaded "smooth" effect. Look for a dimple in the plastic running perpendicular to the waist joint. If it's a guy figure, that goes in the back. If it's a girl, your guess is as good as mine.
11/4/99
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
Those idiots in the white coats'll never find me here! I just escaped from the mental instition. Do you know a place where I can hide? Waaaaiiit...
You're one of them!! AAAAA!!
Signed, Escapee
A: I believe there's room under my couch. Just move Kevin Costner's keys out of the way...
11/4/99
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
Did You kill Kenny, Did You kidnap The Lindbergh baby, Did You drink all the beer, Did You sleep with My Wife and Did You fall in?
Signed, The Pervert Strikes Back
A: Yes, No, Yes, Of course, and Maybe.
11/4/99
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
This is an open field west of a white house with a boarded front door.
There is a small mailbox here.
A rubber mat saying "Welcome to Dungeon!" lies by the door.
Signed, Jenn Dolari
A: Yes, No, Yes, Of Course, and Maybe.
9/1/99
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
Are the vibrating Pikachu toys..... sex toys?
Signed, Pervert
A: Yes. Er. No. Er. Depends on how you use them.
Remember, kids, if you're going to play "Vibrating Pikachu", Play it safe!
9/1/99
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
Bubbly chubbies are still available in Australia... don't the Teletubbies have an international branch of Copyright Ninja Action Arse Kickers?
Signed, Mr. Vomit
A: Serious answer time here, Mr. Vomit. The long awaited second-half of the Wal-Mart/Teletubbies lawsuit has yet to materalize - the crackdown on the vendor that produced these toys. I get two or three reports every week that the Chubbies have been found at dollar stores all around the globe. My guess is that they made as many as they could, distrubuted them to as many cut-rate vendors as possible, then vanished into the night before the Ragdoll lawsuit could pin them down.
9/1/99
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
Okay, you badly painted jerk, I heard about my socks! Just for that I'm
gonna make a sequel to WATERWORLD!
Signed, Kevin Costner
A: Yeah, just try and find your car keys, smart guy.
8/20/99
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
Who died and made YOU misterbootleg?
Signed, General Anger
A: For those of you new to this feature, this insensitve clod just brought up the subject of "Bootleg-Prime", the first Q&A man for the Island of Bootleg Toys.
BP was a good friend of mine, until the string up his ass broke and his advice suddenly ran dry.
Sniff
(A slight pause as Mr. Bootleg collects himself, blows his nose, and wipes his eyes.)
God, I miss him.
8/20/99
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
If the Bubbly Chubbies and the Teletubbies were to fight, which side
would use the chainsaw for dismemberment?
Signed, Betting on the Chubbies
A: I'm personally convinced that the Chubbies would get the chainsaws, then use them on each other while the Tubbies watched in blissful amusement. The last surviving Chub would then turn the chainsaw on himself in an orgy of splintering plastic.
8/20/99
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
Kevin Costner: Whats his problem?
Signed, Th' Doc
A: He can't find his socks. Little does he know I've hidden them behind his couch.
8/20/99
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
Do ever feel, you know... Not so fresh?
Signed, Summer "Eve" Massingil
A: Wha?!
8/20/99
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
Did you eat all the Cracklin' Oat Bran?
Signed, Irregular
A: Personally I eat nothing but those 3-for-$5 bootleg cereals. In the bag! My favorite are Fruity-Os and Choco-Puffs.
8/20/99
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
Who farted?
Signed, Beano
A: I dunno....YOU? He who smelt it, dealt it, bud.
And thus a new level of maturity is reached in this Q&A feature.
8/13/99
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
I recently saw a power rangers bootleg at a local retail store. It was ubuve my price range
(1.00 or lower), but I really want it. Do you think it would be worth the risk to steal it, or should I hawk my grandmother's diamond ring? My grandmother would never miss the ring,
but I don't know how good security at these retail stores is. Is my husband right when he says I'm crazy to want to shoplift a bootleg?
Signed, Loony Lucie
P.S. How did you get that S-shaped jello to stick to your chest?
A: Stealing is never the answer. You sound very qualified, however, to WORK for the retail store in question, or maybe run for congress. Then you can get all the bootleg kickbacks you want.
As to the Jell-O "S", I just squish it up under my skin tight clothing. There's always room for Jell-O.
8/11/99
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
Why haven't you tried one of the many items to remove baldness? Do you enjoy being bald, or are you made out of plastic so you really can't?
Signed, person with nothing better to do
A: Oh, I have plenty of plastic hair, unfortunately it's the same shade of pink as my face. The horrors of being a bootleg, I guess. I just wish I had eyebrows.
8/10/99
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
After swallowing 37 Hasbro Star Wars CommTech Chips, I am still unable to speak like the characters in the film. What did I do wrong?
Signed, Constipated in Connecticut
A: You've been inserting them from the wrong end.
Previous questions from 8/9/99 and earlier
Q: Mr. Bootleg, I just spent $100 on a set of Episode One Bootlegs. I got six figures that look like a bantha sat on them, and I'm begining to think I made a bad investment. My question is: What can I do about the hole in the ozone?
Signed, Bad Investment in Baltimore
A: Wear sunscreen. If I only had one bit of advice to offer you, sunscreen would be it. That, and stop investing in bootlegs. If you want to throw your money away, may I suggest the stock market?
Q: Mr. Bootleg, what is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Signed, Bridge Keeper
A:What do you mean? An african or a european swallow?
Q: Mr. Bootleg, what bootlegs are the most collectable?
Signed, A Bootleg Fan
A: The real question here is "are bootlegs collectable?" If you're looking to retire off them, forget it.
Howerver, if you want to add some spice, pizzaz, zing, and crappy plastic to your collection, then look for knock-offs of toys in your "real" collection.
If you like Batman, look for Bathero and Companion items. If you like Star Wars, find some Starriors. If you like girls, you probably should save your money and go out on a date.
Q: Mr. Bootleg, is it 11:30 yet?
Signed, Crow T. Robot
A: It is so NOT 11:30.
Q: Mr. Bootleg, my girlfriend doesn't understand my collection of rare Star Wars "Uzay" bootlegs. She says they're really silly and that I should trade them for some good investments, like Cabbage Patch Dolls. Should I dump her?
Signed, Uzay Yes, she says No
A: Yes.
Q: Mr. Bootleg, can I get some bread with that?
Signed, Mr. Hungry
A: NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!
Q: Do you really expect them to pay?
Signed, Mr. A. Powers
A: No, Mr. Powers, I expect..them..to...die!
Q: Dear Mr. Bootleg,
About 6 months ago, my boyfriend and I started having sex. Now, I think he is having sex with
someone else.
Which bootleg toy would you recommend I bludgeon him with?
Signed, P.O.'ed in Peoria
A: I'd recommend a Star King spaceship of some sort for distance attacks, and a nice, heavy X-Team boxed figure for the acutal bludgeoning.
Q: Mr. Bootleg, I'm an elderly woman who doesn't enjoy sex...
Signed, Ms. Wrinkley
A: Whoa! Did THIS come to the wrong place!
Do YOU have a question you want to ask Mr. Bootleg? Then just ASK HIM!
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